Tag Archives: Cards Against Humanity

Rejected Writing: Cards Against Humanity

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When I shared my first rejected writing post a month ago, I completely forgot to list one! **cracks knuckles like a cartoon maestro, breathily exhales on them, rubs them on shirt…all the knuckle gesture clichĂ©s…** That’s right: So many people and places (don’t) want to pick up what I’m throwing down, I easily lose COUNT, son!!

Last summer, Cards Against Humanity—aka The Party Game of the 20-10s aka NSFW ‘Apples to Apples’ aka smart internet stunt factory (…I mean, if you don’t know what CAH is, this post really isn’t for you. It’s okay. You’ll be fine.)—put out a call for contributing writers.

More than one person shared the link with me, so I couldn’t not enter. Plus, once I started looking at the world through CAH-colored glasses, card ideas showed up everywhere. (Fun how our brains work that way.)

And I did it! Here’s proof!

Cards Against Humanity rejection

The assignment was simple: Come up with suggestions for 5 Black Cards (the questions) and 15 White Cards (the answers). As predicted in the auto-reply email above, I never heard from them again.

If any of the cards below show up in a future expansion pack, the next time you find yourself at a party where “oh, I guess this is happening again…okay sure,” I want you to marvel at the formidable power of coincidence and the undeniable phenomenon of parallel thinking.

There are no new ideas. Mark Twain said that I think. (“Some Dumb English Major Quoting Mark Twain” would make a just-okay white card. The kind that you keep in your pile until you absolutely have to use it. Like, your other choices are a little too ironically racist.)

Cards Against Humanity

White Cards

  • The Lisa Frank Panda living his truth.
  • The exquisite pain of 1,000 McSweeney’s rejections.
  • A Magnum™ condom filled with Goldfish® crackers.
  • Speaking in tongues.
  • Young Joe Biden.
  • Pooh Bear’s chubby yellow dick stuck in a beehive.
  • Really fine people on both sides.
  • The one white card you never want to use.
  • Oprah’s insatiable love of bread.
  • School picture day.
  • Stefan Urquelle.
  • Front butt.
  • That beautiful bean footage.
  • The healing power of John Krasinski’s beard.
  • Youth Pastor side hug.

Black Cards

  • You is kind. You is smart. You is _______.
  • My mom’s secret Pinterest board is full of _____.
  • Is that a banana in your pocket or are you just happy to see _______.
  • Take me to ______ or lose me forever.
  • When the youths stopped eating Tide PODS®, they moved on to ______.