2.14 Where my Non-Girlfriend Americans at?

What was all that I said about snark yesterday? Well…do as I say, not as I do. Here’s a little article I whipped up to submit to Fair City News today. It’s probably not cool to scoop it on my own blog like this, but I just can’t help myself.

Because nothing says I love you like satire, I conclude my 14-day blogging binge with this. Thanks for sticking with me, dear readers. I love you. From the bottom of my blogging heart.

Experts Baffled as Local Single Woman Enjoys Herself on Valentine’s Day, Thank You Very Much

February 14 was just another Monday for Brenda Morton. She went to work, mingled with coworkers, hit the gym after work, then later saw a movie with friends. But as February 14 is not Just Another Day for the rest of the world, experts and acquaintances alike are concerned about Morton’s well-being. She’s single, but inexplicably, she’s okay with that.

Sources report she “seemed pretty happy” throughout the day, and while she lists no significant other in her Facebook relationship status, she barely even cried when she walked past a Hallmark store.

“It’s 2011, people. If my choice is between being unhappy and sexually frustrated with a partner or happy and satisfied without, I choose without,” she says. “At least I know how to hold in a burp. I’ve been told I’m a pretty good listener. I like my taste in music. I like my cat. I can’t say the same for most men I’ve dated. My life’s good. Is there a reason I need a man to mess all that up?”

Medical researchers have been investigating cases like Morton’s for decades. “We see these kinds of delusions especially around the holidays,” says Dr. Richard Dickerson, an expert in Single Happiness Euphoria (SHE), “but single women tell themselves they are happy all the time. We think the cause of SHE is purely a biological response to modern life. If women ingest the right combination of independence and red wine, their minds start to convince themselves that they don’t need a man to be happy.” And the problem isn’t going away anytime soon. “SHE affects more women each year than diabetes and restless leg syndrome combined,” Dickerson reports. “The danger of SHE is, of course, the fact that this happiness isn’t real. Everyone knows you need a man to be happy.”

Coworkers kept cautious watch over Brenda Morton all day on Monday, not allowing her near the office paper cutter or the cute student intern with the Bieber haircut. “We had to take precautions.” said Gary Plaster, a married business associate of Morton’s. “You just never know what a woman might do on a day designated for giving chocolate, when there’s no one around to give her any. Chocolate.”

Morton’s parents have offered supportive, if cautious, advice. “We’re so proud of Brenda. She’s always been independent and successful. And she seems very happy just as she is,” says her mother. “But just between you and me, don’t you think she might be happier if she lowered her expectations a bit and started wearing her hair down more often?”

While Brenda Morton suffers through her disease of false happiness, someone out there wants her to know she’s not alone. “We’ve been giving Single Women, or Non-Girlfriend Americans (NGA), hope for more than 50 years,” says Susanne Peterson, NGA Association president. “We tell women like Brenda it’s okay to feel like crap on Valentine’s Day! You’re supposed to!”

A recent NGA convention drew dozens of happy unhappy women to the Oasis Convention Center. After a day of pampering and writing letters to their future selves, attendees walked away with survival tips and “NGA are Okay!” sweatshirts, pillowcases and personal massagers. The day ended with a group chant of the NGA mantra: “It’s NOT me. It’s YOOOOU!”

Brenda Morton was nonplussed when pushed for comment about her atypical single Valentine’s Day behavior. “I rue my relationship prospects and fantasize about Hugh Grant most days of the year,” says Morton. “But, you know what, somehow I make it through the day. Why should this one be any different?”


4 thoughts on “2.14 Where my Non-Girlfriend Americans at?

  1. HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! The doctor’s name was Dick Dickerson!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAhAHAHAHA!!! Ok so I might be just a tad immature but that is hella funny!!!!!

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